The Will Of God ...at least the way I see it.

Between 2000 and 2005 (yes...all of five years), I went through a very tough experience (at least tough for me), that very (very!) few people know about (including yourself and Racquel). I won't go into the details of it, but it was a period of self doubt and low self esteem, fear beyond compare, and basically believing that I had stepped out of the will of God, and that all that was happening was retribution for stepping out of the will of God.

You know the funny thing? The resaon I thought I had stepped out of the will of God was because things were so ROUGH, spiritually, emotionally and at times maybe even physically. I figured that there was no way I could be in the will of God and be having such a mad, crazy, hard time. Here are some of the lessons I believe God taught me during this time:
1. My ultimate desire in life must be to be in the perfect will of God.
2. Though this is my desire, I cannot let the fear of not living up to the perfect will of God prevent me from stepping out in faith.
3. There are times when I will step out in faith and I am so far from the mark it aint even funny, and there are times when I will step out in faith and I will be dead on!
4. Having stepped out in faith, the fact that things may be as hard as hell, does not necessarily mean that the decision was the wrong one and that I have stepped out of the will of God. Sometimes God's will is for us to face difficult, trying situations to break us, melt us, mold us, fill us and use us, and He knows that in the absence of this...it will never happen. Yes!
5. Having stpped out in faith, the fact that things appear perfect does not necessarily mean that the decision was the right one either, and that I am in fact in the will of God. Sometimes in the midst of perfection we forget God and become very independent and then God's will for us cannot be accomplished.
6. Irrespective of which card was played, whether we are in God's perfect will yes or no...the prayer has to be the same...Guess what? Every single day we have to pray that the Lord will show us His will for our lives for each moment of our existence. Because guess what again? Today we are in His will, tomorrow we have let our guard down and we have stepped out.

So what am I saying ? Something I have had to come to grips with...the prayer has to be..."Lord, I don't know where I am right now, whether I am on the right path or the wrong one, whether I am in your will or not. But this is for sure, if I am on the right path..keep me there no matter how hard it is and accomplish your purpose for me in this situation. If I am on the wrong path, get me back on the right path...for even when I am on the wrong path, you have a perfect plan for how I can get back on the right path. Either way Lord, help me to know that your are leading me and grant me the peace that comes with this knowledge...and always teach me to pray....Not my will but yours be done...Amen".